Woke up early for a volleyball session this morning, I really need sports to clear my mind up. Judging from the attendance, I guessed I was not alone, there were people affected by this changes too! I might be the stronger one instead. But again, I should be, I should be the one cheering but I really can’t. The most amusing part was everything started with a ‘why’ and ended with a ‘why’ also, really defied all logics.
Half way through the game it rained heavily. Usually I would just scold the weather but today I didn’t, I purposely stayed longer in the rain. It was like the sky was telling me “Wake up, man! Wake up!”
For the first time I enjoyed the rain, thanking it for assisting me shedding some tears and trying to wash away the pain. For the first time, I didn’t feel cold at all as I knew I deserve this big splash of endless water on me. I sat by the roadside, hoping for more until an uncle looked out from his window and got scared, fearing that I was some kind of thief lurking around, posing to strike at his property. I left the place immediately….
Last night, I came face to face with the cause. I really didn’t know what to do. I panicked and checked myself into the office washroom to clear my mind. Then I related the whole incident to a close friend. I guess this was the time that I was thankful for having a shoulder to cry on, a female shoulder. (Damn, I really sound like a pussy, right?) Anyway, thanks a lot, I really need the comfort and emotion outburst! It made me feel better after that, until I dare to face the problem… for a while.
Now, I’m planning to accept my fate, going towards comfort than wishing for something else. Don’t want to aim for excitement that all the time ended with pain. Maybe I shall bring some good news next year. Just wait and see…
Tonight, I shall get myself drunk. There is a BBQ with booze going on and I shall make use on that to clear up my mind.
Anyway, on Monday, I shall brave myself to come face to face with the cause. Maybe by then I shall be more prepared, maybe by then I shall be stronger. Still, looking towards my big break 6 days later, praying it come sooner.
